“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
We will use anything but the metric system
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Need WebMD
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Gemma Correll
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
