Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol