“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I’m already scared
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st