Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*