Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”