ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
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Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
marvel comics have peaked