@lunch_enjoyer

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

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@Papa_Mex

I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing….It didn’t take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women…

@SarahB_D

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

@mo_vitaluna

To all those out there named Christian but are atheist,

LOL

Sincerely,
The rest of us

@Playing_Dad

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

@BatBatshitcrazy

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

@Home_Halfway

ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself