ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
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“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money