Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
You Might Also Like
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?