Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
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We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
when someone rings the doorbell
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.