Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
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me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.