Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
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I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’