Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.