Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
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Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.