Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
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No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex: