Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
the zen of frog
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space