Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
