Ah to hear the music of the angles!
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Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim