Ah to hear the music of the angles!
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Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Have a lovely day 😊
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]