Ah to hear the music of the angles!
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
He took my last fry, your honor
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.