Ah to hear the music of the angles!
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Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
the greatest twitter interaction
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no