I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year
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BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My husband’s doing that cute thing again where he thinks he’s right.
*throws his shit out on the lawn*
*makes a bonfire*
A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
yup im doing this
Hey chubby dudes rockin’ tight polo shirts. Nope.
Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.