ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year . . .
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Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks