Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”