Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.