Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
hand it over!
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.