Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
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Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air