Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
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[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?