Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.