Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
the chicken was already gone when I got here
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
