Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?