Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

ibopfufen

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.