Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

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[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*


*Jury starts The Wave*


At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts


There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.


[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no


When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”


I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..


ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville


Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.