ah yes….my favourite videogame
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Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Honey I made you some hotdog water
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop