ah yes….my favourite videogame
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
that colleague who touches your screen
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.