Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

The Wolf of Wall Street.

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?