@AngryRaccoon2

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

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@TomSchally

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

@BeagirlNJ

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

@ComedicBust

We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.

@MartaEffing

I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.

@Underchilde

More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.

@ClichedOut

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

@KaylaChowShow

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

@sarahplegic

“Flatulence is not an emotion.”

-me explaining feelings to boyfriend

@YupKirsten

Me: I hate long sad goodbyes.
Cashier: I just want to give you your change.
Me: *puts finger on lips* shhhh. Don’t make this harder *leaves*