Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

This sounds bad:

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.