ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
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why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Pretty much. 🤣
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really