ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.