ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
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One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
According to math, I’m broke
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight