Ah yes. The three genders
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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Meme Monday.
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There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
TODAY
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Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.