ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what