Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
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This kid is going places
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Chicago sounds lovely.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.