Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
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god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.