Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
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THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Roombas should bark
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Cashiers are always checking me out
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.