Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
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Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”