Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
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I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.