Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

based al yankovic

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

As a doctor, I can confirm

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.