“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
You Might Also Like
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.