“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Barbie gone wild
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”