“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Today, a coworker was tellin’ me about her son. Last week, he got caught skippin’ school. And his punishment? A week’s suspension!🤔🤣
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids