“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.