ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
