Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.