@Kristen_Arnett

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

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@joeljeffrey

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

@brakco

I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..

@UnicornSyrup

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

@sammyrhodes

And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

@capnwatsisname

My parents reacted to recommending they try Venmo the way I react when my kids use their feet to eat things that aren’t food.

@StinkyGr33n

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

@palmersword

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

@SoulYodeler

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

@Phreemann

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

@KKAlThani

If you love something, set a cheese trap. If you catch it, it’s a mouse. Why are you in love with a mouse?