ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
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[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.