ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

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Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…


Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…

Husband: Do you mean with other people?


ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?


Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.


The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.


If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing


I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel…..


2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris


My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.