Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

found my next D&D character name

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*