Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
You Might Also Like
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school