Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My what?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.