Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My work here is done
secret recipe
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.