Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
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All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
My dad teaching me to drive
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
My dream car is a taco truck.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.