Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
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imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”