Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
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Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
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