Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
You Might Also Like
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
In banana years, I am bread.
I wish this was real life…
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do