Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.