Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.