AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.