Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

a god among men

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

saving face 👀

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you