Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.