Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

bags with threatening auras

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir