Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

Welcome to the stomach

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.